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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.