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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.