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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.