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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.