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I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.