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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.