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You`re only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.