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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!