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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
u cant spell awesome without me
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.