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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.