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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.