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The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
"Iām definitely going to do that tomorrow.ā ā Me being delusional