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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.