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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.