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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.