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The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?