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By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.