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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.