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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.