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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.