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Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.