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sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Mondays are middle finger approved
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode