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My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.