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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.