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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.