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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.