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I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.