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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.