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How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.