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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.