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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.