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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.