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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.