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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work