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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
I drink to make other people interesting
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.