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Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.