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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.