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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.