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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?