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Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets