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I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.