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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.