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Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
I dare you to spit on this status.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
How long does it take to get obsessed?