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We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I think I may be getting harder to love.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing