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I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."