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You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.