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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."