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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.