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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?