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I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.