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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
gua suka sama kamu