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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??