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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`