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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!