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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.