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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.