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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.