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I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.