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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)